It's been a while since I posted a new blog. So much has happened that I do not know where to begin. What I do know is that my self-esteem and sanity are hanging on by a tight, tenuous thread threatening to snap with any indicator of the slightest bit of boyfriend drama. While this may be written for you, it is more of a reminder for me.
This weekend was suppose to be my son's belated birthday dinner. I had promised him to take him to "Dave and Busters" arcade once I had my tax returns. Luckily, he forgot. I had made plans with my daughter and Dean that after GMan's basketball game, we would all go to Denver for some fun reminding everyone to NOT tell GMan just in case something came up such as the weather. Friday night came and I was sharing my day-not that he even asked or was interested. I had just gotten off the phone with my supervisor who was arranging a "staff work retreat" to a sanctuary. He understood my dilemma of not having a babysitter so he would reserve a room for me and the kids at $55 a night-well within my budget. I was so excited! Well, Dean did not take the news with as much gladness as I did. As a matter of fact, he got downright nasty, demeaning, accusatory. He stated that he could watch the kids and why hadn't I thought of that. Also, why couldn't he go because we never take vacations as a family and why was I making plans without consulting with him? He then progressed to his usual victim mindset that he is the "unwanted 4th wheel." Needless to say, his part of the conversation evolved-or maybe de-evolved-into endless insults, threats to sue me, statements that I am a lousy parent, etc. I hung up wondering if I am such a lousy person feeling emotionally battered and confused. What just happened? And just what started all this because it felt like it was out of nowhere.
That night, I took over his dog's ashes since he forgot them on my table and I was worried that my own dog would knock the urn over. I did not announce the visit which was wrong on my part but what I saw was shocking and probably necessary. He was severely intoxicated, again, after he stated the most he would have is 2 beers. His living room space was covered with beer boxes and cans almost enough to surpass the television stand height. The space smelled horrible-like moldy alcohol. Can alcohol grow mold? And much more important, why does he flare up like this every time, right before a significant event? I can't count the number of times I had to cancel an event due to his outbursts or binges. I did not cancel my son's event. What I did cancel was his participation in it. He was not going to ruin my kids' "fun time" with his irrational rage and bad behavior.
Rewind to 9 months ago. My therapist told me to look at the objective evidence in my life when I start to have self doubt. I now have a decent relationship with my family after years of struggle. My teenage children are bright spots. We have a terrific relationship. They are successful in school with good grades, high achievement, numerous honors and awards. They get along with their teachers, are respected by their peers. I have stable employment and many coworkers look to me for advice and support. I have many good friendships with both genders. I am financially independent, have stable housing, new car, my bills are paid. Overall, I am probably considered successful even though I am not financially wealthy.
I am not perfect but I know that I am not the source of this problem either. A while ago, I started attending Al-Anon for support and a "sanity check," and one thing they emphasize is that "You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it." This was a problem long before I entered the picture and will be a problem long after I leave it despite him trying to blame me by stating that I "contribute" to it. He blames me because he is "always trying to please me" and that he "doesn't have his own identity" when he is with me.
Unfortunately, I am not sure how to leave the relationship in a safe manner. It has become so dysfunctional with the on-again/off-again mentality that if things do not go his way, we break up. After serious evaluation, I have concluded that it does not meet my or my children's needs for reciprocal feelings, love, warmth, sharing. It is not validating or supportive. Instead it is like living with an emotional vampire that sucks you dry until you are left with illness, depression, anxiety after having walked on eggshells for so long. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It does not matter what I give up or how much I try to love him, it will never be enough to meet his needs. It does not matter what boundaries I set or defend, he will blow right through them.
I have blocked the phone number from all phones. I have applied for new jobs outside of the state, closer to my family. I am starting to pack small stuff away so as to not draw attention. I have alerted all my friends and family about my plans and problems and gave them the information needed should anything happen to me. I have restraining orders filled out just in case. It is a serious problem when one has to resort to an escape plan.
While I sit here and type, I am mentally re-evaluating everything that has happened in the last 2 years. More drunk days than sober. More selfish, angry outbursts and rants than loving, supportive, sharing times. Never any inquiries about my day or my thoughts. He doesn't like me questioning his plans because it makes him "feel stupid and incompetent." It has seen more hatred about how I am an embarrassment to him, how he does not like my hair, my clothes, my weight. He doesn't like my job, my boss or employer. He doesn't like my type of music, hobby, vegetarian lifestyle, Asian cooking or heritage or exercise routine. I have yet to figure out what he does like about me but he says there is plenty yet is unable to identify anything.
How does one recover? All I know is that I want my old life back...the one prior to Dean. I was eating healthy, exercising daily, loving the time with my children. We were happy. We were at peace. Life was good. After this, can it ever be that way again?
